the difference between heaven — the starving spirit, scott richard 2005

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the difference between heaven — the starving spirit, scott richard 2005
Beauty & Personal Care
Image by torbakhopper
and an essay from 2018 os something like that

PRESS PLAY

SEX
BERLIN
1982

i better write that again, it’s a lot to take standing up:

god is a homosexual fantasy created by usurers to foster misogyny and gain control of the female power.

and why choosing to be unattached to the future is worthy of consideration.

don’t get FOOTBALLTEAMED.
you have too many facts to be a victim.

******

i get it, that sounds crazy, just like beer & pretzels.

normally, in my forbidden language fashion of hierophantic and pontificating insanity i would literally SPELL it out for you.

but today, i figure fkya. you can do the GD work.

i’d rather tell a story about how stupid i am and the kind of life trouble i get into instead.

so i went on a date the other afternoon which turned into an evening.

and it was amazing in a very limited way.
a slice of heaven.
i guess i should add that for homosexuals, a date is oftentimes a fun event that ends or starts with sex.

that is, getting laid and going on a date can mean the same thing for us. in fact, a date without sex is weird unless you really really like someone.

oftentimes we homos will just put the word "coffee" in front of date if we really mean it’s JUST A SEX DATE and we don’t want to offend the rest of the world by just saying a sex date.

this was more of a fun date that had sex, too.

however, there were complications from the start.

first, he’s partnered.
i know both of them and we’ve dated.
and they have an open relationship, but this doesn’t mean what people think it does. generally, in an open relationship one member of the relationship or possibly both members realize that monogamy is not JUST emotionally challenging and mentally fatiguing, but a recipe for failure.

these people realize that those myriad fantasy intrusions of temptation and thought distraction can torture a male. literally twist him up into a raging rapist fk machine that doesn’t care who he plugs. sad.
sadly true.

and there are endless depictions of this in medieval art and the italian traditions from the past. later, gustave dore did a whole reinterpretation of this in his magnificently illustrated bible — so fking hot. talk about smoking obscenities and torture scenes!!

which later reminded me of bongwater’s 1991 song “OBSCENE AND PORNOGRAPHIC ART” when it came out.

at that time in the late 80s the whole attack against immoral “art”, which was secretly just a way of focusing the public’s attention and creating a “”celebrity cast list”, was in the news a lot. endlessly. a new hollywood pantheon of outcasts-turned-star, brave icons and prettyoffs.

the lyrics of bongwater’s song are about how the new york METROPOLITAN museum is basically a building filled with sexual fantasies in full speed and at every stage of engagement — interaction from “satyrs with hard on’s” who are "Vibrating that little bitty Richter-scale looking thingy box
That sits in the corner of the controlled environment
Behind the
Cold
Hard
Glassssss" to Leda and the swan.

and ironically, in our strangely undersexed, but overly-obsessed-with-sex society, the voyeur element can be used against us.

fantasies don’t have to stand up to anything. they can rage through the mind. but when the fantasies of the voyeur — fantasies that involve "having sex" become realized, therein is also the tedium and twists and tantrums of REAL life.

suddenly a man who has fantasized about banging young women for decades is doing it and realizing that the fantasy was just that.

it never was meant to match reality.
it was a mental diversion, a twist away from time, a FKING WASTE of time. because then he comes and with that there is the rendering.

and sexual renderings are epic moments for men.

but also, there’s the 19 year old, having her full life and getting banged by some old dude, working out her missing male protector figures, working out some fantasies of her own history…

and he suddenly realizes how old he is and that he’s basically with a child fantasizing about being with an adult or just earning extra bubble gum cash and then the ACTUALITY of what a realized fantasy isn’t and is.

all that comes to life like the dancers in michael jackson’s thriller.

but us homos are just barely better than zombies, and we are already so outcast that it’s expected for us to have sex and go through all kinds of really unpredictable and challenging moments where the COVERS COME OFF and you see the startling truth of nature and need and biological obsessions.

and we know more.

we know all about how those fantasy walls come down to be replaced by REAL walls which we immediately start to put up.
as we GROW UP!!!

as this happens, that "fantasy object" begins to turn out to be way too chatty or annoying, OR conversely, the "fantasy object" starts to feel that way about you.

either way, the disconnections become more and more apparent.
and suddenly the man grows up.

the fantasy dies.

i am in favor of our society confronting this.
in both sexes.

i’m not sure what would be the correct approach/approaches, as there as so many different ways and opinions. it’s almost like each individual needs to find their way but the idea of guides is inevitable.

in the mean time, the option that is inherently forced onto all but the young is MONOGAMY or nogamy. nogamists ain’t getting any game!

and monogaming is boring.

it is, and i’m sorry and i get that there are SUPER boring people (taurus people can find great joy in rutting down on a gymnastic-like approach to life, so grab one of those bull-headed folks if you like the same thing over and over and over again and then hearing them say how great they are at it, like it was a finished product that they knew they could whip up exactly the same every time…)

WORSE, so many monogamers don’t really know what they are doing to themselves. they think, “oh, sex with taurus is great!” but that’s because they never had sex with sagittarius. and maybe they also had some weird, hurried, drunken, whatever sex encounters that were lame and half-baked with aries or capricorn and they never realized that great sex is athletic.
and or rather, it’s not always romantic, unless you’re a cancer or a pisces.

so little dotty dum cow gets married without any sexual exploration of men or herself.
how fking trite.
and this is precisely why the europeans do the "behind their hand snicker" at us to OUR FACES.
or rather, it’s precisely at least one of the many reasons.

so stop taking their snicker so personally.
making personal amends is a way of showing respect to people who are more civilized than we are.
and we have much to learn.

besides, there is a shamefulness in marrying before you know yourself or the nature of men.
and vice versa.

it’s just damn stupid.
but USURERS like stupid hits.
it makes usury easier and faster to bring down into the physical realm.

think about the bulk of loans in this country — housing and education. followed by the invisible COW industry.

yuck, that’s fking unsexy and i’m banning it from my story here.

so back to the sex.

we’ll agree that sex can be both romantic and athletic, but it’s always athletic at the very end. the body requires a speeded heart rate to concoct the mixture we have so carelessly and foolishly limited to the tiniest measurements we can grammatify — sperm. mostly because we all know that the power of this amazing SERUM syrup comes from unknown parts of us to form a whole.

using allopathic logic with biological creatures is instructive, but the error rate is so high that it’s not really even heuristic to reality. it’s like throwing a rock and saying, "you can get to china if you go that way."

unless you get stuck with scorpio.
they will pretend to agree with that and then at the first real opportunity, they will steer you elsewhere
.
whereas virgo and libra will tie you up in knots and virgo will ask if they’re having fun or not.
next libra will make a joke about the word knot and will run around like a braying donkey from boy’s island in the disney classic repeating the word "NOT! NOT! NOT! NOT! NOT!"

but dammit, man-SEX IS ALWAYS somewhat athletic.

and you don’t have to be an athlete to be athletic.
you just have to stay fit at some basic level with blood pressure and all.

if you have to run up a hill, you might burst your lungs if you’re out of shape.
and the same is true of sex.

and so many people fall into a personal state where they aren’t athletic enough to have sex.
they become sexually ugly to themselves.

and this is a good indicator that your society has social ills that are radically hurting children.

and hurting children sucks.
it is devastating for the culture.

in social math, "hurt kids" oftentimes are not kind adults.
they are damaged. and damage is weird.

it can pretty much go two ways with damage.
it appears to depend on the individual’s personality/spirit and the amount and type of damage that is meted out.

a strong personality and spirit that is good, becomes a champion against their enemies and those who would purposefully hurt children and make more damage from a psychotic position.

in a sense, this type of damaged child becomes MILITARIZED JUSTICE by surviving the attacks and onslaughts of their “victimizer”. they are the good monster types, but they have the monster in them and everyone knows this.

other personalities, and these are the majority, don’t survive the attack by their victimizer. and wittingly, the surviving just becomes a magnetic attraction to others who would inflict the same damage. their life-vibration drops down in that range where they vibrate their own fear and vulnerabilities. and this is where this category splits and forms its own half-lives.

one victim in the personality range incubates after the attack/onslaughts and gives birth to the MR. HYDE monster rage.

and this person becomes the tiny monster.
this is the child who is only four or five and teaching all the other little kids about their sexual organs and brings a strange enlightenment to children who pretty much know nothing at all. these kids can affect entire neighborhoods of children.

we all know that the awakening of a child’s sexual consciousness is a long contested and forbidden action. mythically, we have created the concept of childhood to protect kids from sex responsibilities.

having grown up in the united states and watched from a sidebar position, it is oddly strange how seemingly protective this behavior is and yet how little it actually succeeds. for me personally there were two separate occasions where i needed protection from an adult source and it wasn’t there.

the first time was so torturous and painful that i don’t even have it as a memory. my twin brother does. and this is so deeply unsettling to me. it destroyed his life on the surface and my not knowing destroyed my life below the surface. it only killed half of each of us.

which is weird. and it hurt.

the second time this same moment came again, i was seven. and as it happened, i was descended upon by the spirit of my adulthood.

in harry potter, jk rowling identifies this as some kind of spirit beast, but it wasn’t really a spirit as much as it was a realization that was a spirit. the spirit of yourself. the power to say no. the power to stand up against that person who would hurt you.

and i did.
and i was forever different after that.
i was not afraid to fight back and to say "get the fk away from me!"

but again, in this case, it happened after my twin had already been hurt. it was his hurt that had saved us.
it was his hurt that had given me the power to say no.
but his hurt can never be undone.

and like the first time, this time he was hit below and the hit that i should have received above, didn’t happen.

and on that day fate gave birth to a new kind of kid.
and that kid sees through the myth of parenting.
that kid sees through the veil of control, the way sex and birth are used to punish men and women.

everywhere there is this powerfully strange mythical belief that everybody is supposed to be a parent and successfully raise kids.

every single movie and tv show is about this.
it’s stamped into and onto everything like an expiration date.
YOU MUST MAKE BABIES!!!
YOU MUST MAKE BABIES!!!

[for more critical thoughts, read the poem
"the reconstruction" from 1993]

and that’s insane.
it’s just fking crazy.
it’s as if no one ever took any time to question whether or not this was even a rational way to look at the lifespan of a human.
and more importantly, why should every human be absorbed by this process so indebtedly?

especially when so many damaged kids were emerging as TELLTALE evidence of SOCIAL FAILURE within a parenting system?

and remember this, in social math, for every kid you hurt, they hurt ten more.

BUT in real life, if you look at the male “monster” statistics — men who physically and sexually abuse other men and boys — they affect 100 other kids. and almost without exception, each one of these male monsters was damaged and created by another male monster.

MALE MONSTERNESS is a sickness, a sexually transmitted mental disease that spreads through mental and sexual violations that demonstrate our society’s inability to protect a child against a monster invasion.

and of course we all know that top males are truly male monsters and they protect the male monster syndrome and participate in it.

ANYWAY, that is one good reason to get RID of MONOGAMING.
monogaming, as i’ve mentioned in the title of this essay, is a mental leveraging and economic tool used by usurers to enslave the human population into work theories and finite end points. it is their religion of shame and defeat.

but MONOGAMING and family engineering is empty of anything but PURPOSE. and purpose is fking abstract drivel.
it will always delude the purposeful.
that’s what it does.
like GAMING.
it pretends to know the future.

yet, realistically, MONOGAMING promises a miserable future.
the best case scenario is that you successfully breed and manufacture a brood of yous.
that’s it.
THAT’S IT!?!?!

sounds like a fk load of work to me and for what?
is that really better than a having a place where children are raised by children raisers?
a place where kids grow up together without parents and the neurotic love of the “individual fkrs”, which, i think, if we spent even 45 minutes thinking about would overwhelm the silly little notions that are currently in play.

so in a sense, monogaming is a lot like MONOTHEISM.
just like i said above in the title, usurers use monotheism to form christianity and its offshoot branches. judaism was originally designed to protect its members from inside usury and outside usury.

as societies stabilize, the spirit of usury lurks closer and closer. USURY takes its life and breath from the social contract. it can’t exist strongly in the face of murder and mayhem. it is an intellectual force and while it likes the threat of murder and mayhem, it gets its reward from its invisible force. and honestly, since usury is spiritual and murder and mayhem are physical, they can’t really coexist in the same space.

which is why REAL LIFE usurers have what we call HENCHMEN.
and henchmen are, not oddly, but truly, male monsters of some form or other. you see how the cycle is really a full circle when you see it?

so let’s get back to that impulse where you REJECT MONOGAMING and the fantasies of that disgusting world view.

instead of participating in what is FUNDAMENTALLY a biological self-rejection of one’s BASIC SEX NATURE, a lot of gay men pretend that the open relationshipping model will work. especially if they are both in agreement and open to play.

naturally, this is where our story begins.

so i’ve known a lot of gay men and many of them have been partnered.
some were married to women.

but i’d say most of the men i’ve met were just ordinary homosexuals not involved in relationshipping (straight or gay) they weren’t the ones in denial and then proceeding to lie to everyone about it.

and we all SHOULD know that "lying" is just the first time you tell a lie.
after that, ANY support of a lie
is REALLY ACTIVE CHEATING.

so i’m a huge supporter of the free man and the free woman ideology.

and this is my favorite kind of man or woman.
they vibrate accurately.

and these kind of men are my favorite to get athletic with behind closed doors — honest, present, unattached to the future or the hideous past they are trying to deny or escape or erase or threaten.

which is why one of my basic rules for CASUAL SEX is that it isn’t about shared histories.

you are not relationshipping with casual sex.
or at least that is the intellectual construct i apply — this is fun sexual athletics, not a relationship.

for me, i am intentionally sexualizing the sex active experience and minimALYzing all other parts of my fellow player’s life.

how much they make.
where they work.
who they know.
fk that.
that’s relationshipping stuff and is unwelcomed in casual sex play.

i knew a guy way back in the late 80s when i lived in SF for the second time. he lived upstairs from my place.

he would go out at night to the sex clubs and try to relationship. it was as if he had a mission. and everyone would tell him to shut up and he would yawn and sigh and say things like, "no, please talk to me."

i thought he was hilarious.
one night he had gone on and on about racism and how it was all true and the white people were the superior race that were destined and made to control the whole human population.

he was, by claim alone, the male offspring of a fled nazi war criminal. he had grown up in argentina, but i was never really sure about any of this.

we went out for drinks at the detour later that night and this is the bar that is now beaux that host a lot of gender-inspired dance parties and gatherings that seem a bit obsessed with beauty and all that this entails. but back then the detour was one of those rather easy-to-maintain sex-pig bars with a big trough instead of urinals and stalls without doors. they played hardcore music, which was still in its infantile stages of development, but had an ear-shattering quality and was played so loud you had to shout to talk and you quickly learned to read lips if you had a conversation.

fate had intervened and when i came back from the bar, weaving my way through the close knit throng of hardcore leather men — in an age when AIDS was king and HIV was still not even really a thing — to locate this strange argentine neighbor, the only spot next to him was between him and a person of NOT WHITE COLOR?

my little leprechaun spirit could not have been more pleased with destiny. how perfectly fitting that his stupid lecture should be so fatally devastated by reality so quickly!!!

and one day i will write about that stranger in the bar that i ended up talking to most of the evening instead of dear racist frederick.

this new stranger with dreadlocks — he and i being the only people in the entire place with hair that wasn’t buzzed or gay-cut short — was there with a friend of his who was playing pinball and shaking his ass like a puppy who is holding onto a rope or a blanket.

but back then i was a nogamist.

i wasn’t interested in sex enough to risk my life against the unknown. i was literally watching men in the castro waste away and die in front of my eyes.

there was this one bad ass leather daddy, cigar smoking hustler who lost over 150 pounds within a 6 month period before simply disappearing. he went from stud rent daddy to old dead man so fast it made my head spin. we’d see him at cafe flore and i’m sure it broke a bunch of hearts — knowing that this same horribly decimating and mortally inflicted disease was eating him alive and thousands of others in our society and millions of others in south africa without any constraints.

but at this time i had already confronted all the sadness and the sorrow that my life as a "gay" man who would never be straight and normal could mete out. it had literally killed me and that person, that sad, little person disappeared with the grief and mourning that poured over me for six months after. all those realizations of the person i could have been if i hadn’t ended up so disenfranchised from "the path".

so FK if i was going to die for sex!!!
that’s crazy.
i mean, sex is fun. when it’s good.
but people who say that sex is like day old pizza are definitely confusing the concept of leftovers and convenience with the idea of fun.

fun is rarely convenient.
and fun has a way of surprising us which sort of makes it fun, you know?!?

so when you’re single and gay and not trying to be in a relationship — an anti-monogamist or a nogamist (they aren’t the same) — you are constantly confronted with the ever-changing terrain of sexual uncertainty. will you get some? with whom? how much time will you waste? will it work out? once? twice? 24 times? will it be fun? or just convenient?
and remember, convenient is inversely LESS LIKELY TO BE FUN than fun is to be convenient.

which is certainly a primary reason for why a lot of people settle for monogaming.
but it is settling.
and in SETTLING, there is a dishonesty which leads DIRECTLY to cheating.
it is built into this system.
and that sucks.
cheaters suck in the same way prettyoffs suck.
they make fun stupid and wasteful.
they make convenience their turnstyle.
they buy it off.

and they kill happiness at the same time they kill fun.
that’s why they end up controlling the PORN AND METH industry.

anyway, this system of monogaming is BUILT ON THE CREATION OF CUCKOLDING. it’s a literal BOOGEY MAN theory.

and prettyoffs love having a boogey figure to deflect and distract toward. just look at the current regime masquerading with donald trump as "president", when we have really just been secretly FOOTBALLTEAMED.

and nothing personal, but what happens when your whole nation state falls in love with this social option theory and develops a penchant for CUCKOLDING? or worse, you realize your country likes to be cuckolded, too?

or worse, now they want you to play…

look, whore, we all know that the key to comedy is knowing how to hang your bling!!!

Faith

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Faith
Faith
Image by elliotharmon

peony waves, painting by scott richard 2004

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peony waves, painting by scott richard 2004
Jobs & Education
Image by torbakhopper
PRESS PLAY

bringing sexy back/the less i know the better
mashup
tame impala/justin timberlake

*************

one of the great myths in the NEO american empire of the misled is "the forever man".

this myth is literally crammed down the throats of the tiniest children in much the same way that people shove cornmeal down the throats of ducks and geese and cows to make them taste sweeter while killing them softly, lol.

the princess syndrome is so out of control now that any sense of an actual republic is long gone.
but "the forever man" myth hasn’t changed.

young children are still taught that they must become parents, and i think we all know that parenting is one of the most BASIC TOOLS that the usurers can use to create loan debt. parenting is a very thankless job as well, so you get debt slavery and sht hours and there’s that baby that you can’t get rid of… or maybe you like your kid. lucky kid!!! but even though you like that kid, you will NOT be there in every moment and they will be neglected and abandoned to fate. so pray that your little one becomes a real princess or a true knight.

i’m not sure what the male dynamic is because little boys are so weaponized to create hostility that they always go for the swords and the guns to wreak havoc. nice work, parents!!!! way to create fake gender separation. pat yourself on the back for that one.

but we all got stuck with the breakage and wreckage of the "love that never dies" obligation to seek and find. i was oppressed by it as a child. it actually seemed like the coolest thing about the western dogma from religion — faith and love and unionizing.

of course, my strange and "briefly but permanently" mangled childhood proves how easy it is to destroy a child in really a mere matter of seconds. way to go, mom!!!

so naturally i have been weirdly taken with aldous huxley’s beautiful utopian dream that does not actually take place in his bitter and sad criticism of "the jews" (not to be confused with the jewish people in the same way that radical islamists are not a reflection of true path of the muslim journey — i note this because anti-semitism at that time in europe post wwi was at an all time high with printing criticism and outrage. anti-semitism was like a genre in a modern day bookstore it was so popular and had so many writings. picture that cowboy western section and the science fiction section and then the anti-semetic section.), fascist/idealistic germans and the north american noble savage.

all of that was a bitter pill for me. i literally was physically ill through sections of the book. it was a visceral experience that went beyond reading. it was an education.

but on the sidelines of the book was this curtain that had been pulled back on monumental ideas. it was like we were on the willy wonka factory tour and we’re in that massive cathedral of candy with an eternally churning chocolate fountain that sucks up agustus gloop and swooshes him away. and right at the moment every single person on the tour starts to formulate the actual "dangers" involved in this strange sugary fantasyscape.

but i was ready for the camera to ditch the sugarland phenomenon. i wanted to see where augustus gloop had gone and just how deep did this playland of machinery and artificial replication go. i was ready for a different kind of tour of the factory. talk about a psychotic dystopia…

plus, in huxley’s world, the glimpses that we get are very grown up and cool. they are not the childlike entrapping of a story for kids.
it’s older, it’s stabilized.
people of all people get along as one through class separatism. and a history of fulfillment through separation.
we are told that each caste is trained to be content with their occupation in life and some are even dumbed down with alcohol in the birthing jars.

and this was an inceptive vision of the dawning corporate heirarchy/caste system of order/need.
we are starting to experience its arrival.
but in the novel, these were birth classes.
everyone was born into their position.

further, these "corporatized classes" were arranged with the "controllers" and/or philosopher kings at the top and the class system below it with the alphas at the top of the class system. the alphas were all male and they were NOT clones. the betas are the female member of the caste which the alphas belong to in the novel and are NOT clones.
but all the other caste systems were bred and manufactured to maintain different aspects of the system’s needs. they were all clones.

throughout the novel huxley continuously promotes the virtues of the THREE FOUNDATIONS for a great society:

identity, community, stability

and huxley presented ideas that blatantly/openly stated how evil it was to separate kids from self discovery and liberty and that by not allowing them to explore each others bodies and touch one another we were creating a repressed/suppressed curiosity that would grow like a monster inside the child — a childish expression that is encouraged through taboo.

and that’s pretty bold philosophy.

further, and logically, he presented a society that wasn’t afraid of children never having parents but rather, cherished the idea of each one growing up protected and looked over by people who loved their job of caring for little ones and they didn’t abuse them or prohibit the kids from discovery themselves.

and each one was genetically crafted and modified to fit perfectly into their role within the greater whole. this was the utopia. the novel, however, skitters all over the place like a drunken car crash. the passengers are not reflective of the society. instead they are are a TRINITY list of the "unusual suspects", the "anti-society types" through no real fault of their own, the anomalies, those who didn’t fit in — as explored through the sexual relationships of one woman. she bangs all of them.

which is weird because you never hear anyone talk about that. so my version™ would put her into the HERO BOX™ of the what used to be called a PROTAGONIST — see how lost we are?!??! a hero and a protagonist are not the same thing. and a soldier and a hero are not the same thing. unless you literally change the meaning of the word. a hero is someone who accomplishes a series of strange feats/tasks or labors. a soldier is someone who is willing to kill in exchange for commodities/livelihood.

take it up with the dictionary. i’m not making this up.

PRESS PLAY FOR MORE GOOD FUN from GALANTIS

anyway, the "star" of this series™ is not a hero because there is no such thing as heroes in BRAVE NEW WORLD.
the mantra of IDENTITY, COMMUNITY, STABILITY is so deep that the society requires no heroes, no vigilantes, no protectorates, no nuclear arms.

and it would be the same story but it would be seen through her world and the experiences she was having simultaneously during the novel. like the film about jesus’ younger brother Agape who was away at college when jesus was a killed™ and the netflix film series™ would dive away from the very tiny blip of interest huxley’s novel provides.

not that it isn’t a great novel, it’s just that huxley was an intellectual surgeon and his storytelling feels very sterile, but the magnificent visions of the future that he is able to relay through description and attention to detail is brilliant even if it’s not the best writing.

and it is this world that is the skeleton of his novel. and the skeleton needs to be studied.

he’s given us the foundations and he’s created his own maps and he’s acutely aware of the beauty of the new mexican landscape and topography.

so instantly we know he’s got a crush on the noble savage whereas, personally, i’m more interested in hanging out with a beta and seeing what her best expectations are like in this fantastical land™. and the story was kind of about a beta in a very backward kind of way. and it was also about two types of failed alphas and then a hippie jesus guy from the "reservations".

but the novel does some time skipping and the tour doesn’t really take us much further than that disturbing garden that the the tour creeps up on.

aldous kind of magically skips from age four to the adults, so that’s a bit too fast on the timeline for me — where’s the COMMUNITY?!?!?! he picks up on this concept later in his book ISLAND — but i still kind of agree with him that really little kids should be allowed to discover each other physically and without the judgement parents impose and overimpose so fast. we are mistaken in sexualizing this curiosity. we make it rapey. we use our adult minds to be like "OH!!! RAPE, my baby’s a rapist", or "oh no, that little baby boy played with another little boy".

aldous suggested that this form of exploration was essential to humans understanding and experiencing themselves EARLY ON without the sexual element being present or worse, present and mature. further, that this exploration would lead toward a differnt developmental attitude which would in turn allow a society to bypass future rape and sexual misconduct breaches.

but his ideas were too radical for people in his time.
they still are.
considering what a powerful novel it is, when it was written and the brilliant ideas that are tossed around like a juggler who is bouncing balls and torches and chain saws of the walls of a racquetball court while teaching you squash at the same time, it doesn’t get much play.

he was, after all, such a BRIT who had been notoriously kicked out of his social life circle in england for writing hilarious tell-all novels about the people closest to him. so they’d given him the outcast card and he’d fled (as fast as a mostly blind man with a lesbian wife can flee) to new mexico in the post wwi era, near the future site of the u.s. secret city/laboratory, los alamos.
and from there, hollywood by 1932, i think.

what a great story he lived as well, not just tripping out on acid as he died, but also his first wife hunting beautiful women for the two of them to share, and the screenplays, the vast library of single print editions by other famous poets and playwrights and novelists sent to him for his approval. and then his second wife, the beautiful violinist who escape that terrible canyon fire that obliterated all those never-to-be-written-again books, all those manuscripts, all those precious writings that vanished beneath the terrible heat. and she, taking only her Stradivarius, walking out knowing everything would burn. letting go. giving it up to the fire.

forever people.

we wish.

but there is no forever man.
there is no living jesus.
all things die.

and true love is more like paying attnention.
like that nun says in "lady bird".
true love isn’t sexual.
true love may not even know itself.
true love might just be paying attention and feeling joy?
the joy of paying attention.

and i know how much we all long to feel joy when paying attention. and in an age of POST-DISTRACTION awakenings, isn’t it time you told your daughters that marriage is an OPTION. that having kids is an OPTION. that giving up your life to fulfill some fake darwinian NONSENSE is an OPTION.

but so is living your own life and having no one else that you’ve created. and so is fighting for new models of PROCREATION that don’t involve failing parents, parents that never wanted kids and people who can’t afford kids.

parents are most often the worst thing about kids.
so don’t be afraid to tell your kids that you failed and how.
maybe they even remember it and have blamed themselves.

and if all you can give your son is a gun or a truck or a logic game, you’re definitely part of the problem. it’s vastly unfair to use gender foolishness to masculinize a child. it distorts the idea of masculinity like a mental disorder in the same manner that physical sexual abuse destroys young children. they are both attacks against the child’s being.

we do our best to protect kids against the predators of the body, but we do very little protect our children from the predators of the mind and the consumer usurers who are taking the kids earlier and earlier.

who knows, maybe one day the movie of the book will be made.
we live in a perfect time for it to just skip straight away from the book and into the BRAVE NEW WORLD right after the visitors on the tour see where the little kids are intermingling without any kind of ADULT IMPOSED intrusions.

the great thing about the BRAVE NEW WORLD was that the rapey issue had been addressed and fully considered. the society was developed around the understandings of sexual co-mingling without parentalizing adults.

since most of humanity ALLEGEDLY has a very low intellectual focus & MOST people don’t actively seek to better and improve their intelligence — this is not my fact, it’s how "they" talk about the 99%ers — it is easy to distract the general populace with "material gain" greed games and after life myths and unfulfillable promises like the forever man.

even now, fully ready to fall asleep again after being "awake" for so fking long, even now i still want the person i thought of to be my forever man.

i want him so bad.
but he was never that man in real life.
he was never the fake version of him that was presented.
and that’s what kills me the most.
i supported the lies without knowing it.
i felt misled and bushwacked.
not victimized,
just super aware that i had participated in the set-up and had no grounds for complaint. i spent my liberty and freedom of time and it was gone. and he felt stronger and freer (which is good and i’m glad of that).

but in the process we burned through each other and the lies and the falsehoods and the deceptions and the weaknesses all became exposed and destroyed in the fire.
he was never the forever man in the first place.
and that’s the rub. the forever man isn’t a person.
there is no forever man.

in that moment the forever man became a concept for me, a trap that so many others fall into as well.
and then we fall out of it.
a lot of people return to it, but that’s usually because they can’t see the permanent break.

so now, suddenly, there was this permanent break and it was known to both of us.

granted, at first i found this confusing.
naively, i had always assumed the permanent break was already there. didn’t everyone know this intuitively?
i hadn’t realize that this wasn’t a universal understanding.
but, i only say this because i learned it from people who are born alone. they say it over and over again.

i was born a twin and i don’t think that the "born alone" perspective is "all there is" as much as it is "all that most people have access to, therefore"…

but i learned about the "permanent break" from people born alone. twins are generally super optimistic. and i’m guessing on this because i can imagine a family that takes joy in their twins and understands that they might be a little different. my parents made a permanent break with me. an unrecoverable intentional break.

and then, through a long process of hop-scotch education through the west coast public and private christian schools in north and south california, voila! aware of humans and how they formulate their kindnesses and their goodnesses.

so when i heard about the permanent break thing AT THIS STAGE IN THE GAME, i was a bit taken about. it was one of those horrible realizations where your mind goes all bird’s eye view and geomapping and speeds through all manner of timelines and conjugations and starts the "murder board" with the new thread.

you can visually see the wasted time as chunks of LIFE.
tetris LIFE chunks filled with remembrances just "disappearing" the value of memories instantly. a radical cross-platform devaluation of emotional assets. worse than zero. worse than no memories at all.

and that’s when you realize that a rug has been pulled out from under you and your grand designs. it’s the dreadfulness of false manifestations, the celebrants of what you thought was genuine were really bound up in a bottomless sadness and a burning flame with their own downward spiral dance.

it’s that startling and irreversible moment when you realize that your eyes and your heart and the assurances of another had been used quite shamelessly to proliferate a bizarre and untrue fantasy.

and worse, it was TRULY the revelation that i had wanted but not with a ghost!!!
not with a dancing apparition!
not the hollow man!!!
oh fk, not the hollow man!!

and so now i’m doomed to still want the forever man that i had created with my expectations and then with my desires and then was slowly filleted by…

or maybe it was more like the sides of my neck were slashed open to make gills. because i do feel lucky.
the charade could have taken longer and bigger chunks of my life. and i had a great time in the delusion and i liked working for a relationship.

sometimes the process of aging is a vinting metaphor and sometimes it’s a venting metaphor. sometimes it’s all about the air and the breath.

either way, it wasn’t my first relationship and it gave me an opportunity to see whether or not relationshipping was even in accordance with my nature and liberty. could i be happy without unionizing?

and the answer is yes.
or, at least, it’s a great position to be in.

there is a freedom to participate in life that comes from being a part of it without being forced to protect offspring and develop those kinds of natural enmities against your "greatest predator", men. that’s a lovely start to things.
almost as fun as the fake "virigin" girl claiming it’s god’s baby.
or worse, everyone forgetting that "god’s baby" meant bastard offspring.

PRESS PLAY for some louder harder better from galantis

whatever, it doesn’t matter, i feel lucky to have had a forever man and to be able to write a more complicated story of "royal romance" than the childish ones we tell other people’s children and even our own children.

the corporatized children’s engineering factories are already in their late pre-testing phases.

BUT, a bit of forewarning to those who would be wise when it matters, i was punished for my childish expectations. i lost everything i gave. and i lost the time it took to give it. there was no reward. no dividends. no happy ever after. it was just business in the end.

and the whole time i had believed my eyes and my ears and listened and had tried to hold up the "we".
but it was hard. there was permanent breakage from the start, not the end.
he was full of grief and loss.
he was too needy.
but i thought he was consciously aware of all these things.

so when we were dating, i thought he knew about the permanent break. he was so far away from everybody.
he was deep in the valley of the permanent break trying to find his way to sea-level.
like a crushed flashcard on the side of the road in death valley.

in that there was the permanent break.
we were choosing to try to have a relationship despite the permanent break that existed between people.
he had come to me and plied me with the tale of his sister’s suicide. he pulled me into his sorrow spiral because i had told him several months before she killed herself that he should come out to her. she was a lesbian and felt entirely alone in the world and i begged him to reach out to her and share with her that he was gay.

but he didn’t.
he had this way of never doing anything i suggested and then blaming me later about "advice" that he would get when he had come back to ask for "advice" after not doing what i had suggested after being asked.
it was all a bit dislocating for me

and i give him credit for being clear and levelheaded about it in the end, but he couldn’t undo the damage that i was doing to myself for being such a fking fool.

no version of "sorry, i used you" or "let’s be friends" would ever replace the amount of time he took from my life while the veneer of his "forever man" status diminished in front of me until finally it occurred to me to ask him on the phone one day, long after we’d broken up if his current boyfriend was okay with these calls. i asked because it had also dawned on me that he’d specifically asked me to give him a call and do check-ins every couple of weeks, "are you allowed to talk to me? is your man okay with that?"

and he admitted that they had agreed that he wouldn’t call me. at which point i was like, "oh, i see, so this is like cheating. great, gotta go, man. i just wish you’d be honest. and free. you know that’s what i always wanted for you. i told you that over and over."

and we’ve never connected since.
such a drag.
and this is the danger of relationships.

you can lose years of your life, but even more important, you can lose WINDOWS of your life.

the years are just time, but the windows are specific ages where wonderful and amazing things can happen that cannot happen during other windows of your life.

besides, relationships TAX you.
they TRULY add surcharges and time-penalties to your existence. there will no end of speed bumps and dependency is anti-liberty at its core, so the struggle to be free cannot be achieved unless all parties of the relationship are unionized.
and that’s business contracting, which is an artifice.
grammatically speaking, relationships are duty bound and come with obligatory submissions of personal liberty.

who’d sign up for that?

as if that isn’t enough, relationships will steal your experiences and replace them SHARED memories. and on the surface this sounds great. but that depends on the how the shared memories end up affecting the relationship.

shared memories are indeed precious and the best ones are the ones that you cherish. but after a separation, the best memories are the ones that work as triggers for your sorrow or anger or grief or devastation. the best memories become the worst.

i knew a woman in grad school who had come out as a lesbian. her name was ceebs. and she was a quirky writer with an irish background and we we’re both from san diego where her dad had been police chief or something along those lines. and she’d grown up repressing a lot of stuff. i’d done the same thing until i decided that living a lie was so ordinary and that NO ONE in the whole history of western writing had ever said, "just be a liar. lie to everybody. tell them what they want to hear. then lie about that later."

she used to often say that the thing you really liked about a person and were drawn to about them would become the thing you ended up resenting them for and perhaps even disliking about them.

so it sucks if you hear a bunch of lies up front and then they unravel around you to become the thing you end up resenting. that’s a tough one. and the irony is that lying never ends. it just keeps reinventing itself.

on the other hand, in total fairness, ALL western literature has been littered with the ruins of people’s lies and the horrible effect that lying had on so many people’s lives. and not inadvertently, heaven becomes this place where the lies are all put back together in front of you.

contemporary christianity became so zealous it started to formulate this notion (an entirely post-television & televangelistic fantasy) about how you’d stand in judgement and your entire life would be played back to you.
and you thought andy warhol’s film "SLEEP" was long and boring:

"John Giorno has said Warhol asked him to star in Sleep over Memorial Day Weekend in 1963, when the two retreated to the countryside and Warhol spent the night watching Giorno sleep. “I looked over and there was Andy in the bed next to me, his head propped up on his arm, wide-eyed from speed, looking at me,” Giorno later relayed. "

born a twin, i think my big one wish would be that i DO get to this illusory JUDGEMENT ZONE where god and his posse replay my life to see if i was good enough to get in the the party called heaven.

but, typical me, i could give a sht about the party called heaven. i want access to my unknown life.
i want to watch my birth and everything after like a fking drone camera that i can move around and zoom in or rewind.
i want to see what happened to me when i was left unattended.
i want to see the things i already have been told happened and then re-lied to about it.

i have the cobwebs of all these weird myths that humans create in order to justify PARENTHOOD.

we don’t need parents.
science and the bible have proven that parents are unnecessary and obsolete.

unfortunately pedophiles and religious structures/foundations/corporations and "neo colonist governments" will want to self-protect against this accord.

they want you debt-enslaved with college loans, home loans, bundled family plan phones and car loans.

but that won’t pay for the loans after the entire shipping and distributing INTERCONTINENTAL economy lays off all the drivers and starts running AUTOKAR in a color-coded lane that only AUTOKAR (pilotless vehicle) can use.

that’s a lot of truckers nationwide all hopped on speed and suddenly without jobs??
is this part of the MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN strategy?
shall we name that condition/state right now?

maybe we could call it THE AUTOKAR METH SHADOW.

so keep your eyes open.
maybe it will never, ever, ever, ever happen.

or, give that "new utopia glimpse" a try.
read huxley’s book BRAVE NEW WORLD.
it’s a deeply fascinating look into miranda’s query:

"O, wonder!
How many goodly creatures are there here!
How beauteous mankind is! O brave new world,
That has such people in’t! (5.1.215-218)
— the tempest

happy birthday.
i hope you’re free and happy.

Jewellery

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Jewellery
Jewellery
Image by whatsthatpicture
Hand-made jewellery, shot for a friend who makes this. Clever, eh?

North Bridge, New Town, Edinburgh, Scotland

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North Bridge, New Town, Edinburgh, Scotland
Shows & Cultural Attractions
Image by Billy Wilson Photography
View lined with category A listed historic buildings.

"North Bridge is a road bridge and street in Edinburgh linking the High Street with Princes Street, and the Old Town with the New Town. The current bridge was built between 1894 and 1897. A previous North Bridge, built between 1763 and 1772, stood until 1896.

The current North Bridge is 525 feet (160 m) long and has three spans of arched girders each 175 feet (53 m) feet in length. It is 75 feet (23 m) wide. It was constructed from 1894 to 1897 by Sir William Arrol & Co., the company also noted for construction of the Forth Bridge. The design of the ornamentation was by the City architect of the time, Robert Morham.

The foundation stone was laid on 25 May 1896 by the Lord Provost (the Rt. Hon Andrew McDonald, with Masonic ceremonial. A medal was struck commemorating the opening of the bridge on 15 September 1897. The medal shows a view of the bridge with trains underneath and on the obverse a bust of the by then knighted Sir Andrew McDonald.

Situated on the bridge is a war memorial, by sculptor William Birnie Rhind which memorialises soldiers of the King’s Own Scottish Borderers killed in campaigns between 1878 and 1902.

At the southern end of the bridge (where it meets the Royal Mile and South Bridge, in the Old Town) are substantial buildings whose main entrances are at carriageway level but which also have entrances in the valley below. Those on the west side are The Scotsman Hotel, former headquarters of The Scotsman newspaper, alongside a block of commercial premises and flats ("Royal Mile Mansions"). That on the east housed Patrick Thomson’s department store from 1906 until 1976 when its then owner the House of Fraser rebranded it as Arnotts department store. The store closed in 1981 and the building was redeveloped as a hotel and smaller shops.

At the northern end of the bridge, where it meets Princes Street in the New Town, on the west side is the Balmoral Hotel, originally built as the North British Hotel, the North British Railway’s hotel serving Waverley Station, which lies below. On the east side is Waverley Gate, originally the Edinburgh General Post Office, now serving as office space.

The New Town is a central area of Edinburgh, the capital of Scotland. A masterpiece of city planning, it was built in stages between 1767 and around 1850, and retains much of its original neo-classical and Georgian period architecture. Its best known street is Princes Street, facing Edinburgh Castle and the Old Town across the geological depression of the former Nor Loch. Together with the Old Town, the New Town was designated a UNESCO World Heritage Site in 1995.

Edinburgh (/ˈɛdɪnbərə/; Scots: Edinburgh; Scottish Gaelic: Dùn Èideann [ˈt̪uːn ˈeːtʲən̪ˠ]) is the capital of Scotland and one of its 32 council areas. Historically part of the county of Midlothian (interchangeably Edinburghshire before 1921), it is located in Lothian on the Firth of Forth’s southern shore.

Recognised as the capital of Scotland since at least the 15th century, Edinburgh is the seat of the Scottish Government, the Scottish Parliament and the supreme courts of Scotland. The city’s Palace of Holyroodhouse is the official residence of the monarch in Scotland. The city has long been a centre of education, particularly in the fields of medicine, Scots law, literature, philosophy, the sciences and engineering. It is the second largest financial centre in the United Kingdom (after London) and the city’s historical and cultural attractions have made it the United Kingdom’s second most visited tourist destination attracting 4.9 million visits including 2.4 million from overseas in 2018.

Edinburgh is Scotland’s second most populous city and the seventh most populous in the United Kingdom. The official population estimates are 488,050 (2016) for the Locality of Edinburgh (Edinburgh pre 1975 regionalisation plus Currie and Balerno), 518,500 (2018) for the City of Edinburgh, and 1,339,380 (2014) for the city region. Edinburgh lies at the heart of the Edinburgh and South East Scotland city region comprising East Lothian, Edinburgh, Fife, Midlothian, Scottish Borders and West Lothian.

The city is the annual venue of the General Assembly of the Church of Scotland. It is home to national institutions such as the National Museum of Scotland, the National Library of Scotland and the Scottish National Gallery. The University of Edinburgh, founded in 1582 and now one of four in the city, is placed 20th in the QS World University Rankings for 2020. The city is also known for the Edinburgh International Festival and the Fringe, the latter being the world’s largest annual international arts festival. Historic sites in Edinburgh include Edinburgh Castle, the Palace of Holyroodhouse, the churches of St. Giles, Greyfriars and the Canongate, and the extensive Georgian New Town built in the 18th/19th centuries. Edinburgh’s Old Town and New Town together are listed as a UNESCO World Heritage site, which has been managed by Edinburgh World Heritage since 1999." – info from Wikipedia.

Summer 2019 I did a solo cycling tour across Europe through 12 countries over the course of 3 months. I began my adventure in Edinburgh, Scotland and finished in Florence, Italy cycling 8,816 km. During my trip I took 47,000 photos.

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